An Essay on Step One
We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
Hello, my name isn’t important, but I’m thankful that the Holy Spirit led me to recovery several years ago in Al-Anon. For years, I denied that I was a control freak. Of course, my denial didn’t change the facts; I was one. (I still am, but through God’s grace, I’m in recovery.)
The dictionary widget on the computer I’m using to type this defines recovery as “a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.” If one defines normal as meaning working within design parameters, then my usual state of mind and resulting behavior were definitely not what God intended as normal. My sin made me abnormal. My closer walk with God through recovery brings me closer to His intention for me. As I grow in recovery, I spend more time in my right mind and less in sickness.
Let me tell you how I became a control freak.
I had a wonderful childhood ... well, almost. I had two loving parents who taught me to love God. I had many advantages such as being sent to excellent private schools. But there was always an underlying chaos in my life. One parent’s behavior was a bit odd. It turned out that the reason (not diagnosed until I was an adult and out of the house) was mental illness. Strike One.
After I left the Army, I began working in the profession I had studied in college. I was good at problem solving, and gained a reputation as a troubleshooter and fixer. I went from company to company, solving problems and then moving on to the next big thing. While this was good for my career advancement (I was promoted to VP in my early 30s), I was always wrestling with someone else’s difficult problems. Work was chaotic, and my professional life was spent trying to get things under control. Strike Two.
I married a wonderful women. She’s beautiful. She’s smart. She’s creative. She’s talented. But she can also be erratic in her behavior. So for many years, my home life has been chaotic. Strike Three.
I learned what I thought were good survival skills dealing with chaos in my childhood. I developed strong managerial skills in my professional career. I tried to apply them to my family. They didn’t work. What seemed to be an asset in one environment was a personal defect in another. My family life was stressful. After my second heart attack, we got into some serious family counseling. During one session with just my son and me, he told the counselor, “I think my mother is an alcoholic.” I discounted his suggestion. Sure, we drank, and, yes, her brother was in AA, but I didn’t believe she had that problem. The next session, my son brought in the week’s recycling. It contained enough beer, wine, and liquor bottles to convince me that my wife might have a problem. When we confronted my wife with the issue, she denied having a problem and dropped out of the counseling. The counselor suggested that my son and I should try Alateen and Al-Anon.
When I started in Al-Anon, the First Step seemed to be a no-brainer for me. I was certainly powerless of how alcohol seemed to be affecting my wife, and my life was definitely unmanageable. I quickly moved on down the Steps. Ah, but God is not done with me yet. I keep being brought back to Step One.
At first, He brought me back to Step One so that I could understand that alcohol was not the only thing that I couldn’t control. As it says in AA’s Big Book: “[L]iquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.” Eventually, God got it through my thick skull that the irony of the situation is that I’m a control freak not because I try to sort though other folks chaos but because I lack self-control. Oh, I have plenty of self-will, just not so much self-control.
My core denial was not about someone else’s behavior; it was about me and my self-will. I shouldn’t have been surprised. This is mankind’s oldest problem dating from the events of Genesis 3. Do you remember the lie Satan told? “You will be like God.” When I choose to place myself at the center of things, I am falling for Satan’s lie. Even when I simply move a tiny bit away from the place God has for me and toward a more self-centered life, I’m getting sucked in.
What it comes down to is this—I’m powerless over myself. The First Step leads me so say along with Paul, “What a wretched man I am! Who will deliver me out of this body of death?”
And that question leads to Step Two.